But to truly understand what it is like to travel the road of a mother after the death of a child or in my case two then you must travel it yourself. I will also say that I would not wish this fate on my worst enemy if I actually had one. It is my hope however when I write about my experience I give you a glimpse and a better understanding of what it was like for me. Who knows maybe some day it may be helpful to you- heaven forbid- if you have a friend or a loved who is experiences the death of a child, or maybe your just curious, that's OK too!
I was looking through some pictures and this picture jumped out at me. Most people refer to grief and bereavement as a journey. If I could illustrate to you what the road were to look like- feel like, it would be this picture. The death of the kids put me at a crossroads in my life, it left me never knowing where I was going where my life would take me next.
I stopped dreaming for a long time until my dreams turned rather vivid; they became a window to my subconscious. They believe it or not revealed many things to me which helped me along the road.
I have questions that will never be answered- that is a hard fact to accept. I had difficulty with the changes that the kids death forced upon my life and had problems adjusting to the changes. It is frightening, was depressing and could sometimes be isolating.
Every stage of this experience was so profound so overwhelming when I was in it until the next stage came hit and then I'd do it all over again. I was hard to imagine that things would ever get better that the barrage of emotions that was ripping me apart internally would ever subside; but it did. Letting go of different issues that arose felt like losing my kids over and over again. It sounds a bit crazy but its true, it goes without saying that trauma made me feel pretty crazy most of the time.
I know I will travel this road forever but not alone, until the day that I am reunited with my children. My road is lighter now not at all as dark as it used to be. The pot holes are mostly filled with more positive things like joy and hope and forgiveness and finally I am no longer afraid.... finally.
‘Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you,
for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
surely I will uphold you with My righteous right
hand.’ Isaiah 41:10
That inability to make decisions gets me. I remember sobbing in my pillow after Bear asked for a glass of milk the week of the funeral. I couldn't make the decision. There was too much to consider. Did we have enough milk? Would there be someone to pick more up if we ran out? How much has he had?
ReplyDeleteI still struggle. I had to choose some pictures for a memory quilt and it took me all this time to sit down and finally get it done. For the last few months, I've just opened up our picture files and sat there staring. Sometimes I cried, sometimes I lauged, but weeding out the 20 best was impossible. Even the one so blurred we can only see him because we know he is there is suddenly so precious.
I sometimes wonder if the whole decision thing is about energy. Every bit of energy goes to grief and our family who has the energy and focus for decisions-even if it is about every day things.
ReplyDeleteI had many of those same type of moments,for me it took years to even look at pictures they were just such a painful reminder of my loss.
I was sitting in church this weekend and they played this song that reminded me of Eric, I had to fight back tears. It's been almost five years for me and I still struggle too Dana, I can't imagine it ever being easy.And you know what? That's OK.