the sadness creeps in

I find that it starts like this......I'll think about them a little more, ache a little deeper, start feeling a bit blue, the tears will flow a bit easier than usual. And it's still a two weeks away. I never really know when it's going to happen. It might be the holiday's or their birthday's or the anniversary of the accident- their death. I made it through this July and the fifth year anniversary of the death of my daughter Gretchen and son Eric pretty well. My brother and sister in law were here with their kids, they are such life savers and have been more wonderful then I can possibly say.

But now Eric's birthday is coming up ( or what would have been his  27th birthday ) and I'm feeling the sadness creep into me.

My son Matthew was sharing some of his music with me for my I-pod the other day when he came home for a visit so he cleared off my little thumb drive. On that drive were all my journals that I wrote during my darkest days after their death and I'll take a peek at some of the things I wrote back then.

 Things like this excerpt from back in late 2008.......


The pictures… as I look at them as I reflect on my past, it dawns on me that the kids dying somehow transformed it, ruined it somehow, it feels painful to think about it now. The past as I knew it is gone, changed forever because the future i wanted hoped for died when the kids did. This accident robbed me of my daughter,and my baby son. This is something that is going to take some time to get used to, if I ever do. I didn't realize I would feel this way and as I look at these pictures. I always believed the past was written in stone once experienced, that my history was unchangeable. I feel foolish or naive, I’m just not sure which I am. What the pictures actually depict, what occurred  most of it good and pleasant memories, but the sadness, the regret even the guilt I feel are new additions to my present about how I feel about my past.  I long for what was and I want what I dreamed  for my family for myself for my children not what I ended up with. 

Gretchen age 7

I actually remember taking these pictures at my parents house at the beach. We had our whole lives in front of us on that day the promise of a bright future. Who knew then that Eric wouldn't see his 23rd birthday or Gretchen her her 31st. 

My husband and Eric age 6 months

It took me a few years after the kids died to be able to even look at pictures, boy was it painful. Every photo was a lost dream and evoked deep and intense grief. Now it's easier, but around the accident anniversary or a holiday or their birthdays it becomes harder because the emotion bubbles up. I try not to let it take hold of me; maybe that's the reason I decided to write this post- share this with ya'll just let it out.