-post card- protect us from all anxiety

In the hours and days following the accident that killed the kids the phone kept on ringing. There were reports that the accident site was a terrible scene, the coroner was away for a holiday so there would be delays releasing their bodies. The accident details were reported on the national news, reporters were calling the house, Fed- Ex was delivering packets from high priced attorneys promising to "represent" us as if somehow money would compensate us for our loss. I had lost all sense of what was normal as my anxiety grew to levels well beyond what any one person should be able to bear.

I've never really given much thought to why the words  that are below are part of the liturgy but my pastor brought it up this week in his homily since the gospel teaching dealt with Jesus teachings on worrying. Many Catholics, myself included tend to listen to those parts of the Mass that have always been- without ever questioning why.

There is a part in the Catholic Mass after the Lords Prayer and before the Sign of Peace where the Priest does a declaration of praise or a doxology if you will; at each and every Mass he says:

 Deliver us, Lord, from every evil, and grant 

us peace in our day. In your mercy in, keep us free from sin,

 and protect us from all anxiety, as we wait in joyful

 hope for coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

It seems in a previous parish my pastor had a parishioner who was a mental health professional who had an issue with part of the prayer ( protect us from all anxiety ) he felt anxiety was necessary even a healthy part of life. I tend to think worry is healthy to a certain degree, anxiety when it reaches levels so great it can't be managed and interferes with your life is just plain unhealthy.

My level of stress and anxiety was off the charts those first days and stayed that way for a long time, this type of stress makes you alert to everything- does something to your brain. The bumps in the night were real to me then, I heard each and every one of them since I hardly ever slept. Its hard to explain the feeling of being intensely afraid but not really knowing what I was afraid of, it is an awful experience. My sense of safety was gone, I was constantly plagued with this feeling that another shoe would drop, that something awful was going to happen to us again. So I waited and waited some more, rarely able to get the rest I needed to function normally.

Once ordinary occurrences like the sight of State Troopers speeding down the Interstate were enough to make my blood run cold until I checked to make sure my children were OK; the vision of their cars lined up in my driveway the morning of the accident seared in my memory forever. A dashboard light on the car had new meaning to me, the slightest threat that anything would place me stranded on the side of the highway, the place my children perished filled me with paralyzing fear.

My life as it was felt horribly wrong to me for a very long time, there was part of me clinging for all I was worth to the past before the accident; as another part of me was at the same time acknowledging  the need to move on, my turmoil was intense.

I think the point I'm trying to make is that prayer takes time, a quiet mind, focus and dedication,  none of which I was capable- due to my anxiety. I would venture to guess that might be why this is included in the Mass. Anxiety can be a barrier to God and it was for me for a time. So if you ever attend a Catholic Mass and wonder if praying to protect a person from anxiety is worthy of your time, take it from me it is.

Hi my name is Jen- I'm addicted to Hallmark cards

I went into the Hallmark store to buy one card a few days ago, sounds simple right? I wish, not really!

Talk about choices, and that was just for the type of card I was interested in buying- Thinking of You-Just To Say Hello. Frankly, both would have been appropriate but I was finding it difficult to locate one that said something close to what I wanted to express, nothing quite did it for me. So I kept on looking for the perfect card scanning section after section aisle after aisle, my Hallmark moment turned into a Hallmark hour- well almost!

Have you ever gambled, gone to a casino, put those coins in a slot machine? My husband and I went on a cruise with about thirteen family members a few years ago, it was my first time doing slot machine gambling. Your always thinking that next spin on the slot machine is gonna get you that winner, it's rather exciting- that next one will surely be the one won't it?

Now back to The Hallmark Store, I found its like being in the casino, there are hundreds of cards on the shelves, when you don't find what you want you just keep on looking - just one more card- just one more card-  I kept on saying, hoping that the next one will be "the one" that will express the perfect sentiment- say the right words.

I did find a card in amongst all those aisles and aisles of cards, with a few simple words written in it. For all the searching for the perfect sentiment, I found it was best expressed with my own hand in my own words, so I included a personal note.

Call me crazy, but I bet I'm not the only one who does this am I?